i have sat for hours, mesmerized by the memories we have
the one when you asked me to give this relationship a try with you,
the nights that you watched me cry in sterile hospital beds
that laugh that rang out when you threw a nerfgun bullet at me
and i fell.
like a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, mountain-moving revelation,
you came into my life ever so gently and left ever so catastrophically.
if there were a word for the way i feel, i would say it; an expression to convey to you the emotions coursing through my veins, i would shout it.
i could attempt to explain that i simply don’t feel whole because apart of my life is so hazy that i may as well have been an innocent bystander unconscious of my own existence. i might try to help you understand by painting a picture or writing a novel or reading the bible, but really, when it all comes down to it, i’m doing this based off a feeling. an urge, a jolt.
you are the destination
but, you see, i have yet to finish- or really, start- the journey
and i know you have your backpack filled and your hiking boots laced on and your blue eyes filled with adventure and your fingers opened to intertwine with mine
but i want to explore by myself
i want to walk along the beach and pick up each seashell and investigate it myself, learn its curves, its faults, interpret the strength within its core with my own mind and through my own eyes.
smile. hold hands with someone new and be excited about the endless possibilities that lie ahead of you, because whether you believe it or not, you are destined for greatness. you will move mountains, grow bored of this, and then proceed to change the lives of more tiny, african children than any other person on the planet.
take the time to glance around you and soak in the joyful times
and be grateful for the moments that seem desperate, for they will instill you with the shield needed to withstand the pain of this world.
be happy, my dear. live your life with excitement and live it to the fullest, but please carry my heart in yours and never stop no matter where our paths may venture to because to this day, i picture my life with you 33 years from now; i don’t know how not to, and i selfishly hope i never have to.
i’m sorry i don’t have the answers and i wish i didn’t let my mind do what my legs can’t. i don’t want to run from you, but i have to figure out my reason for jumping through windows and sneaking around every speedbump through alleyways before i can carry your heart. please let me do that.